Like the vast majority of mothers who have had a c section, it was not at all how I ever imagined giving birth. I didn't even read that chapter in my otherwise well read pregnancy book. I was going to follow in the footsteps of all noble women in my family before me - I was going to push my children out. I tried pushing. I really did, but 2 hours into it we hit a problem and my son needed to come out quickly. As I was wheeled sobbing into the ER my doctor assured me that my scar wouldn't be big. Big?! A scar was the least of my worries. I suddenly felt the first intense wave of maternal love - was my son going to be ok?
My son was fine. After a couple of hours in the NICU, which felt like an eternity, we were reunited. But having a c-section left it's mark on me - literally and figuratively. I think that I almost certainly had a touch of post traumatic stress but the most ensuring scar was that I had failed at the first act of motherhood - giving birth.
I sometimes find myself a little resentful of the natural birth movement and of movies like "The Business of Being Born" not because I think there is anything wrong with their message which is empowering women to be aware of their choices in child birth, to regain control of their bodies and their babies journey into the world. I am resentful because it makes me feel that I have failed, that I made wrong decisions, or that I need to defend how my children were born. At some point in the birth of our children we do have to put our lives and those of our children in the hands of a medical team we trust will make the best decisions on our behalf. There is no failure in giving birth, and like every conception and child are unique, so is every birth.
Although this blog is designed to share thoughts on pregnancy and motherhood with fashion in mind, the greatest fashion statement is the one we make with confidence and self assurance. That confidence and self assurance only came for me when I accepted and embraced how my children were born was 100% natural...for me.
Bump Brooklyn
My son was fine. After a couple of hours in the NICU, which felt like an eternity, we were reunited. But having a c-section left it's mark on me - literally and figuratively. I think that I almost certainly had a touch of post traumatic stress but the most ensuring scar was that I had failed at the first act of motherhood - giving birth.
I sometimes find myself a little resentful of the natural birth movement and of movies like "The Business of Being Born" not because I think there is anything wrong with their message which is empowering women to be aware of their choices in child birth, to regain control of their bodies and their babies journey into the world. I am resentful because it makes me feel that I have failed, that I made wrong decisions, or that I need to defend how my children were born. At some point in the birth of our children we do have to put our lives and those of our children in the hands of a medical team we trust will make the best decisions on our behalf. There is no failure in giving birth, and like every conception and child are unique, so is every birth.
Although this blog is designed to share thoughts on pregnancy and motherhood with fashion in mind, the greatest fashion statement is the one we make with confidence and self assurance. That confidence and self assurance only came for me when I accepted and embraced how my children were born was 100% natural...for me.
Bump Brooklyn
Thank you for writing this. I too had a c section with my first and only (so far) baby. She is now 6 months old. I, just like you, never read the chapter on c sections and never believed that I could have one. I really beat myself up afterwards and felt somewhat responsible for the surgery. And I felt very sad that I didn't get to have the other experience, and of course, some what of a failure at motherhood right off the bat. For a while, I even would say "when my daughter was born, well it was a cesarean..."like I couldn't even say she was born. I am really glad to see that I am not the only one who had those feelings. I am now accepting it, and moving on to parenthood of course, and the birth of the baby is well in the past. Thank you again.
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