Thursday, May 24, 2012

Owning It

When I was in high school I played the cello - sadly not very well.  It didn't take me long to realized that I was never going to have a career as a musician, but I stuck with it.  

I learned many valuable lessons from the experience, but no more so than one particular time during an orchestra rehearsal when we were playing a piece that began with the cello section, which was pretty rare.  As soon as I began to pull my bow across the strings it became abundantly clear that I was horribly and terribly off key.  I stopped quickly and started to blush as the rest of the orchestra stumbled ahead.

After the rehearsal my music teacher pulled me aside to talk to me. I was terrified - he was an intimidating man, with a slight Napoleonic complex, who never minced words.

"Hannah," he started.  "If you're going to make a mistake, own it."

He might have smiled, I can't remember, but he said it with unexpected kindness.  

He was right of course.  If I was going to start a performance off key, I should have done it with confidence and owned the moment and the mistake.

Over the past twenty years I have reflected on that moment a lot.  We owe it to ourselves to own our lives, every aspect of it.  We need to own the good the bad, our mistakes and triumphs, the lessons learned and how we learned them, our bodies, our voices, our opinions, and always our feelings.  

It's hard to feel ownership when you're pregnant because everything is so different, so new, and so constantly evolving.   But what better time to own yourself and your body than when you are nurturing another life.  Yes my boobs are huge, yes my belly button is popping out, yes my ankles are swollen and yes I can rest a bowl on my tummy, but I have a life inside me and I'm about to become a mother, and what could be better than that.



Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Everyday Mothers Day



Mothers Day is always filled with many mixed emotions for me.  Until 2006 it was a day I felt sadly disconnected to because having lost my mother when I was ten the reality is I can't really remember celebrating a Mothers Day with my mum.  I don't remember if I made her a card, picked her flowers or brought her breakfast in bed.  I hope I did.

When I became a mother it shifted a little, but if I'm honest the absence of my mum always tainted the day and left me feeling empty and alone.

Then about year ago I had a revelation.  Until that point my sadness over the loss of my mother had been in many ways a selfish one - that I had grown up without her.  But as I marveled casually at my children it hit me that her loss was in some ways so much greater - she didn't get to watch her 4 children grow up as I was watching mine.  

It wasn't even about the firsts - first tooth, first step, first day of school, first day of college, first job, first true love and first grandchild - it was all the little things in between.  It was the unexpected kiss on the knee for no reason at all, it was the handwritten note with a love heart that now lives in my wallet, it was the tooth knocked out before it's time and placed under a pillow for an unprepared tooth fairy, it was the little warm hand that still reaches to be held when walking down the street and the dozy smile early in the morning.

I know it's sad not to expect a lifetime with my children, but by not taking that for granted, I have become hedonistic with the time I have with them, and I have started to enjoy the simple pleasures of motherhood so much more.  There are many landmarks in life, but it is the days leading up to them can be so much more meaningful.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Making It Work

When you live in New York, in order to truly belong you have to develop a good poker face when you see a celebrity.  Woody Allen? Yeah, whatever. Jake Gyllenhaal?  Again?  But when I walked passed Tim Gunn recently I think I might have blushed.  Really.  I just love him.  Lets be honest, at this point he's the only reason to watch Project Runway. 

Tim Gunn channeling 007
If anyone else said to me, "Make it work Hannah," I'd be pissed.  But when Tim Gunn says it, it is said with confidence that you actually can make it work. 

Clover Canyon Bar Code Maxi Dress 
I like the challenge of getting dressed and making something work, although in recent months getting my three year old daughter dressed has become a challenge I haven't relished and I have a feeling even Tim Gunn might lose his cool over the 20 minutes and numerous tears shed over picking out underwear.  

Matta Chahna Dress
It is probably my enjoyment of fashion challenges that attracted me to maternity wear in the first place, after all there are many challenges inherent with your body expanding in all sorts of unexpected ways and in various directions.  But it is not a lost cause. Not at all.

Olian Safari Dress
You might have to say goodbye temporarily to your natural waist and to some favorites in your wardrobe but it's not forever and there are many ways to stretch your wardrobe.  You will probably have to accept defeat a few times before you find what works, but 9+ months is a long time and your style is important, so have faith and don't believe the naysayers - there is great maternity fashion out there.